Je sais... Là vous vous dites ... MAIS ATTENDEZ!
Ce que vous allez lire ressemblera à un scénario de film ou à une vraie plaisanterie... Mais sachez que c'est vrai.
Jai 19 ans et jai passé mon été à NYC question de pratiquer mon anglais. Mais ce fut bien plus que ça. Le cousin de ma mère, qui métait alors presque quasi inconnu, un américain qui ne parle pas un mot français, lui proposa de mhéberger et même de moffrir un job au sein de son nouveau business. Il me laissa son appartement, situé à deux pas et je dis littéralement à deux pas du World Trade Center, ou devrais-je dire aujourdhui la Freedom Tower. Une vue superbe sur la statue de la liberté Vous voyez le genre?!
Comme vous pouvez le voir, cest un homme des plus généreux et qui ferait nimporte quoi pour sa famille. Il voulait contribuer à mon été mais ce fut plutôt moi qui contribua le plus au sien (je cite ici ses mots).
Laissez-moi vous le décrire Car il en vaut la peine! On pourrait croire à un stéréotype sur deux pattes : Le new-yorkais de 45 ans, très riche, bel homme, célibataire, charme fou, une chevelure noire sans un poil gris, des yeux noir ténébreux, un sourire qui vous fend le cur. Il a travaillé au World Trade Center en tant que directeur financier et boursier. EXACTEMENT le genre dhomme qui ne mattire pas! Car quelquun comme lui a certainement le pire des égos! Surtout lui ayant collectionné les femmes et ayant brisé des tonnes de cur.
Et pourtant Au fil de nos conversations, jai connu un nouvel homme. Non, nallez pas croire que je suis tombé dans son piège. Il a fallu que je joue à la psy pour le découvrir. Il a vu son père mourir alors quil navait que 13 ans. A prit un soin fou de sa mère avant sa mort 5 ans par la suite. Ils avaient vécu dans la pauvreté. Il avait une piètre éducation. Aucun lien familial naurait pu le faire entré dans Wall Street. Malgré tout, il est allé défoncer les portes, il a tout fait, travaillé ultra fort jour et nuit pour se rendre où il est. Cest une chose que jadmire grandement. Mais ce nest quun détail.
Cet homme a fait le tour du monde, mais vraiment il est allé partout, partant avec son seul sac à dos, voulant connaitre les différentes cultures. Il en sait tant Il sest porté volontaire pour de nombreux travaux humanitaires, par exemple suite au tsunami. Il a empilé des cadavres, vue des choses terribles. Il a enseigné en Inde, en Chine. Jai appris par ses amis quil finançait plusieurs organismes, plusieurs enfants a travers le monde pour quils aient une éducation. Chose dont il ne se vantait même pas?
Malgré son job qui occupe tout son temps, il est le seul, mais je dis bien le SEUL de ma famille vivant aux USA qui prend le temps de voyager jusquau Québec lorsquil y a un événement important, ex : funérailles. Et ce, même sil narrive même pas à communiquer avec ma famille francophone.
Mais voici les vraies raisons qui mont fait perdre la raison! Pourquoi cet été, je suis tombé en amour avec cet homme, 25 ans mon aîné et lié a moi de sang par mon arrière grand-mère. Car non, cest nest pas à cause de son métier, sa bonne réputation, son image, ses relations, son argent il le confort quil ma procuré.
Voilà pourquoi - sa personnalité, son art de vivre, sa philosophie, sa sensibilité, ses manières, sa douceur, son calme, son optimiste, son savoir-vivre, son intelligence, ses compétences, sa rigueur, son organisation, sa stabilité, son ouverture d'esprit, son attention, sa compassion, ses petits soins, son soutien, sa collaboration, sa compréhension, son courage, sa volonté, sa tenacité, son sens du partage, sa disponibilité, la confiance qu'il m'accorde, sa participation à mon épanouissement, son idéal, ses centres d'intérêts Cest à la fois un gentleman et un génie!
Oh mais, ca na pas quété rose! Oh non loin de là. Pour comprendre ce qui nous arrivait Comprendre que nous tombions follement amoureux lun de lautre il aura fallu passer par de dures étapes. Le dénie.. la frustration...
Il ma fait vivre un rêve. Je ne voulais rien savoir de son argent. Avec tout ce quil faisait pour moi, cela me rendait plus mal à laise quheureuse. Je déteste profiter des gens. Je déteste être une *princesse*. Et cest une chose dont il sest rendu compte Je ne voulais plus quil mouvre la porte et toutes ces petites attentions si naturelles pour lui. Lui habitué aux filles fancy de NY, cétait la première fois dans sa vie quil rencontrait quelquun comme moi. Et cela lalluma encore plus a vouloir me gâter. Parce que jétais reconnaissante.
Nos discussions étaient remplies de gênes et de malaises au début. Nous étions des inconnus! Et je vivais dans SON appartement, pendant que lui allait dormir dans une autre chambre Quelle gêne pour moi! Cela nétait même pas prévu. Mais il tenait à mon confort.
Il mamena dans les plus grands restaurants, voir les attractions de New York. Et bientôt, contrairement au début, nous navions plus à nous forcer pour faire la conversation par politesse. Elles empiétaient même sur son travail. Il me demandait ma vision sur un tas de choses.. la politique, la famille, léducation, mes intérêts, mes rêves, mes gouts musicaux la vie quoi! Et cétait toujours suivit de son silence. Parfois il sadosserait à sa chaise ne sachant plus quoi dire. Je pensais alors avoir dit quelque chose de trop Il mavoua par la suite quil était overwhelmed. Nous complétions nos phrases Cétait parfait.
Moi qui est si jeune, avec une éducation qui ne se mesure pas à celle que peut avoir son entourage, javais les réponses quil avait toujours recherchées chez une fille. Et là, je ne menfle pas la tête. Je vais vous montrer la lettre quil ma écrite. Je pense que vous allez alors tout comprendre:
Désolé... c'est en anglais. Évidemment. Voici la lettre qu'il ma écrite suite à cette nuit où nous nous sommes tout avoué. Après deux semaines que nous avions passé à nous ignorer... Croyant lun et lautre que nous nous haïssions.. Ne comprenant pas pourquoi lautre agissait dune telle façon. En nous évitant le plus possible. Nous sommes finalement allez au resto et la conversation a reprit de plus belle. De retour à son appartement, il sest assis et a dit quil avait une chose a mavoué. Quil nétait plus capable de continuer ainsi. Jai dabord cru quil voulait que je retourne chez moi. Mais il a finalement laissé échapper : I cant stop thinking about you
Et sen suivit une soirée enflammée. Pas de sex. Juste des baisers.. des regards... des caresses... Des aveux. Pourquoi avions-nous si soudainement été si distant, etc.
Je nen revenait pas. Je vivais un rêve. Un fantasme. Il marrivait de rêver à ce moment. Mais je nosais pas trop y penser.. cétait impensable
Mais limpossible arriva. Il maimait en retour.
Le lendemain la réalité me rattrapa. Comme cet homme pouvait-il tomber en amour avec une gamine comme moi?
Pas de job, même pas ... Université, aucune possessions, réalisations RIEN!
Je le confrontait donc, lui disant quau fond, tout ce quil voulait cétait se taper la jeune blonde, avoir une aventure, un nouveau challenge etc.
Voici donc la lettre quil ma écrit après avoir remis ses sentiments en questions:
I'm sorry I let you down by falling for you. I now underdtand that you expected better from me. You expected a mature man that would never fall for a young girl. But after ... am just a regular person that dreams of love and happiness. After spending time with you I realized that you were more than my guest. You were my dream girl. You were an impossible dream. You said everything I wanted to hear. You could never keep me from falling for you . But yet your insecurities have you believing that I want sex. You can't imagine someone having an interest in you. I will resist kissing you? I will try to find love elsewhere. I will never give up. I apologize for making you uncomfortable. I never expected to fall in love with you. Please let me have your trust in a friendship. Please don't take that away from me. Its ... can can ask. It's ... have left.
I love you,
Et voice la seconde... très longue oui si vous navez pas le courage, passer à la ligne suivante :
I realize that what we did on Sunday was wrong. What we did. I know we can never be anything more than friends. I know it is not right. I know it can never be. I am in pain from this but I know.
Last night you crushed me. I don't know what happened that day but something changed. You went from trusting me as a friend and as someone that cares for you more than you will ever know, to thinking I am an opportunistic older guy that is looking for a challenge and an adventure and you even said sex. What happened? Why did you change your opinion about me over night? How can I show you what is in my head? How can I express my feelings so that you will understand? How can I convince you that I love the person that you are in every way and that there is nothing that matters more to me right now? I don't know how to explain to you but I will try. I am not a salesman, ask any of my friends, I am genuine and honest. Tell me an example of how I have been dishonest with you this summer? Or anyone that I have been around this summer. Talk to my family and friends and ask them about me. What you read here is honest and deep from my heart. The only mistake I made this summer is that I acted on my feelings. I took what was in my heart and acted on it. I told myself I deserve to fall in love. I deserved to be happy. But my mistake was that it was not that simple. We are family and you are young. That's a big problem that makes it impossible for us to have anything. I made a mistake. And I did it because I was blinded by my feelings.
So why do I have these feelings? One thing that I have learned over the years is that I don't fall in love easily. I have been in love twice with two very special girls Kristen and Danielle. I have met some amazing people over the years and many of them have made me a better person and helped me to learn and grow. But I have only opened up my self to two people. I have only shared my innermost thoughts and dreams with Danielle and Kristen. Today I am still friends with both of them. I know their families. I went to their weddings. Why? We are now great friends. It was hard at first but they know me well and they know I am genuine and caring and I have a good heart. They know that I would never hurt someone intentionally. They know me better than anyone else. So I do not fall in love easily but when I do I open up to the person and I give them everything. And they stick with me after because they know that it is hard to find people that are like me. I am far from perfect but I am very good in few areas: caring, giving ans honesty. Ask all my friends and they will agree. Even Dan, who said something not very nice about me on the 4th of July. Even he will tell you that he was joking. Nobody can tell you different.
So if I do not fall in love easily, what makes me fall in love? These are the most important characteristics in a girl for me:
-Sense of humor
-A natural connection/spark
You tell me you don't understand why I care about you. You say you are just a little girl. You have nothing. No possessions, no job, nothing.
First of all, the things you say about yourself are not focused. They are not focusing on what is important in a relationship. At least to me. You dont need money or possessions or a job or a career. And yes you are young but the person that you are is mostly established already. Your personality and your interests and your passions in life. For me, you need to have what I listed above. That list is the secret recipe to falling in love with someone for me. So why did I fall for you Stephanie?
You are intelligent.
I can talk to you about anything and you will have an interest and you will have an opinion. You are young but yet you have some much interest and insight into different topic. I can discuss with you what is going on in the world, politics, religion, travel ... even business. You do not have the same amount of experience as me, true, but you are intelligent and you can discuss anything and this is what makes being with you interesting. I love this about you.
You have an interest.
I can bring up almost any topic and you will engage in a conversation on the topic. As I stated above you are intelligent and have the ability to talk about most anything, but you are also interested. You will take a topic such as running a business like Two Roads, which in reality you are probably not that connected to, and talk about it and have interesting things to say about it. And at the same time you can listen to my music form years ago and even if it is not your favorite genre you will be interested in knowing about who it is. When Suyog and Christina visited you engaged them and showed your interest in a wide range of topics. You are interested. I love this about you.
We have aligned values.
When you discuss the way that your sister is I can completely understand what you are thinking. I can put myself in your position. I totally agree with your way of thinking on this and many issues. I don't like mean and selfish people. You understand. why I volunteer. You can relate to why I travel. You feel that education is so important. You have a big heart and I need that. But at the same time you are not uptight ant things like Family Guy because you know it is just comedy. You are no too conservative you are more liberal. You are a bit of a free spirit but yet your actions show that you are in control. I love all this about you.
You are independant.
You have your own opinions and you have no problem sharing them. Is CNN a viable news source? What do you think? There are many examples of this. I need to be with someone that has her own opinions and is able to back them up. You are like this. You dare to be different. You open your own door. You take care of yourself. You do not let people push you to date a certain guy because he is 'perfect' for you. You do what you know is right for Stephanie. I love this about you.
You are creative.
Creative people are original and have interesting ideas to me. They are the opposite of the engineers that I work with and they think outside the box all the time. As I learn more about your creative side I get more excited about you. I haven't seen any of your work but I look forward to it because I can tell you have a creative mind. Your mind map and your selection of icons and your comments on icons showed that you have an artistic side you are creative and an individual thinker. You do not follow the group. You blaze your own path. I love this about you.
You have a sense of humor.
I love your laugh. You appreciate good humor and you are not uptight when people push the limits of humor. Some people are very conservative socially and don't think certain types of humor are appropriate and I understand that but you are open to more progressive / pushing the limits humor. When you laugh you light up a room. I love this about you.
You are emotionally available.
Stephanie you really opened up to me in the last few weeks and especially on Sunday. I hope you do not regret that. I will never share our conversations with anyone. I cherish those discussions. I thank you so much for trusting me and this letter is to try to make you understand that even though I may have let you down by kissing you and opening up to you, you can still trust me. I made a mistake and I hope you will forgive me. But I will never betray your trust. You shared with me things about your life and you connected with me. I can not say much I appreciate that and love that about you.
You and I have a spark between us.
All of the above things that we have in common or that you have that I love make a spark between is. My feelings is that I can really connect with you because of who you are. You have the spark that I need. You have not allowed yourself to have the sparks as much but I think it is there. You told me so many things Sunday night that lead me to believe that you feel the spark as well. You made me feel so good when you told me the reasons that you had feelings for me. You had no problems expressing your feelings for me. And I love that about you.
That's it. Well almost. You may have noticed that I left something out above. Something that seems very important to you. Appearance. Yes this is important to be attracted to the person that you are in love with. But one thing that I have learned is that all of the things above are a lot more important to me.
But let's talk about physical attraction. You are so beautiful for many reasons. I told you how perfect your face is. Your skin is white as can be and I absolutely love that about you. Your eyes are so deep and piercing that they are one of your most amazing features. You nose looks like it came out of a catalog in a plastic surgery office. It's perfect. And your lips are so full and red naturally. Your lips are a dream. I will never forget your lips. Your hair and its natural curl and beautiful color. But the list goes on ... I can go on for pages about your appearance Stephanie. Your toes, your fingernails, you arms, and to be respectful I will not state the obvious other features ... everything is perfect! If you do not agree then that is OK. But it is true. Everything about you is perfect.
Have you ever heard a man say that about a woman before Stephanie? Where have you heard a man say a woman is perfect? Does Luc say that about MF? Does he imply that? Does he know that even though she may have imperfections she is perfect for him? I think so. Why. Because he loves her.
And I was falling in love with you. I'm sorry to put you in that position but I was. I love everything about you. I will stop this now so don't worry about me. I have told myself that I have no choice but to be friends with you and nothing more. Don't worry.
But I will spend the rest of my life remembering June 22, 2012. The day I opened my heart for the 3rd time in my life ... to one of the most amazing girls I have met. And she did the same to me. Thank you for sharing your feelings with me. I will never forget it. Thank you for giving me this summer. I hope it did not cost me our friendship. I hope it did not cost me my family. I hope it was not a mistake. Maybe it was. But maybe if I did not tell you my feelings I would have always regret it. And life is too short for regrets.
The second thing I want to discuss is me. Who am I" Why should you trust me?
I am not perfect. But I would never lie to you. Never.
Ask my friends
Ask my family
Ask my ex-girlfriends, even the ones that hate me
Ask my couchsurfers
They will all tell you that I am caring, giving and honest. I am sure of it.
As an example of my conscious effort to not hurt or lie to girls lets talk about dating.
Why don't I date a lot? I will tell you. It's simple.
First Date - I try hard to make sure that before I go on a first date that I learn as much about the girl as possible. If she is not a good match for me I do not go out with her. Even if she is beautiful. I do not go on a first date if I know she is not my type. Why? Because I am not interested in dating girls that I will not potentially marry one day. Why? Because when I go on a date, inevitably the girl likes me, and then I have to reject her by not asking her out on another date. I hate doing this to people. I am not a tough guy with women. I am sypathetic. I dont want to hurt anyone. I know this is probably not good. People will always get hurt somehow. But if I know that the girl is not my type before the date then I don't go out with her. This seems obvious right? No. Most guys go out with the girl and even if they do not want to have a second date they will try to sleep with her. This is wrong. I would never do this. I did a few times when I was in my 20s but I would never do this now. I learned that it hurts the girl and I cannot hurt anyone.
Second/Third Date - I rarely go on second dates. If I found in the first date that the girl is not my type I will not give it a second or third date. Why? The same reason as above. If I go on a second date she will be more attached. I cannot do that to her if I am sceptical. I feel guilty.
More Dates - If you get to the 3rd date then this is a very good sign. It is likely I will date this person for several months at least. Now I feel more comfortable about connecting physically with the girl. Not everything but a little bit.
After several weeks - Now things start to progress physically in some cases. But as I told you with the girls I dated for years I waited a long time. Danielle I waited 3 years and Kristen I waited 1 year and never made love to her. Why? They were not ready. They wanted to wait till they got married. I respect that. It is not easy but I never pushed them.
Breaking up - when I do break up with someone I tell the truth without being mean. I will tell her if I did not feel the spark. I will tell her if there are things that I am looking for that are different from her. It is not always easy but I am honest. I need to be honest.
You know that I connected with two couch surfers. Out of 30 I connected with two. What I didn't tell you is that I didnt sleep with them. I couldn't do that. Let's call them if you like. They will tell you. I was a gentleman. And we are still good friends.
Did I push you on Sunday? I did not. I touched your arms and legs and joked a bit but I never tried to have sex with you. If you get the feeling that I did I am sorry but I did not. ... wanted to do is kiss you. And I was so excited and happy about the way that you felt. I know a kiss is a lot also. I know you have not done a lot of this based on what you said to me. And if I went too far I am sorry. I never would have kissed you if I knew it would hurt you. I hope I did not hurt you Stephanie. For me a kiss is the only thing we could have. Even that was something off limits but I didnt think it would be a problem because of the things that you told me that you felt for me. I saw a kiss as a way to connect to you. The only way to connect to you. I knew there could not be anymore. Even if I stayed over the night ... would do is kiss you. I swear. I cannot emphasize that enough. But I put my reputation on it. All of my goodwill with people, friends, family, girlfriends, will back me up. I wouldn't intentionally hurt you. I would die first. I hope I did not hurt you.
Why was I so comfortable with kissing you and hugging you on Sunday and yesterday in the park? You said to me last night that you could not understand why I had no problem kissing you and hugging you. Why it was so easy. I will tell you. First of ... have more experience than you. Someone my age moves a bit faster. Second, and more importantly, we spent time getting to know each other and I was so excited about how you felt about me that I just wanted to hold you. Take a movie for example. A romantic comedy where two people are in love with each other and they never connect for several months. Then one day they connect physically. Hoe does that work? Do they start really slowly or carefully or do they jumps into things quickly. They start passionately making out don't they? I don't want to use a movie as an example but it is like that in real life as well. I two people care about each other but don;t act on it, then when they finally do, it move faster. This is why I did not go slowly with kissing you. I was caught up in the moment. I was so excited that we had a connection I just wanted to kiss you. I am sorry Stephanie. I could kiss you for the rest of my life and be with no one else. It is that special to me. But am sorry if I moved too fast. I shouldn't have moved at all.
And finally the last thing I want to discuss .. finally
I want to ask you to help me. My dream for this summer was twofold. It was to build a business. And to host my cousin in NYC so she could have a life experience. Both were important. But the second was the big one for me. My family in Canada is so important. They are a connection to my mother. They are the only thing left of my family aside from siblings. And if I can have an impact on their lives in any way I would try my best to do so. Between you and I, I even left some of my money to you and the rest of the cousins in canada when I die. I put it in my will about 5 years ago. It is not much but I wanted to help in any way. My point is that my family in Canada is always on my mind. So to help you this summer is an honor.
But I don't want it to end in a disaster. I never for a second thought that there would be any romantic interest in you because we are related. Never. Please help me to keep this summer as a good thing for you. And if possible could you please reverse the clock to before Sunday. Please forgive me for acting on my feelings on Sunday. Please let me have your friendship back. Please trust me. Please share your life with me in a ... way by being one of my close friends. Can you do this? Can you forgive me and go back to the way things were? Can you please believe me that I was falling in love with you and I lost all perspective of reality when I kissed you. Please forgive me. Is there anything I can do to fix this.
Will you forgive me?
Do you trust me?
Can we still be close friends?
Vous comprenez quaprès ce message.. Je me suis laissé aller. Jai suivie mon cur. Il ne nous restait que trois semaines ensembles. Et ce fut les trois semaines les plus belles de toute ma vie.
Nos caresses devant sa fenêtre faisant face à la rivière, la statue de la liberté Seule la lumière de la lune pour éclairer nos corps. Jen ai encore des frissons. Il ma fait sentir si merveilleuse. Jai tenté vers la fin de le repousser, ne voulant pas trop mattacher. Mais il était trop tard. Je ne pouvais plus résister. Ses mots, son amour, ses baisers Nous étions torturé au même moment. Il avait fallu que nous trouvions lamour enfin, mais dans les pires conditions.
Je naie jamais eu confiance en moi. Jai toujours détesté mon apparence. Il ma fait reprendre vie. Je me suis sentie comme une femme. Une vraie.
Jai commencé avec la perfection. Comment puis-je jamais trouvé quelquun encore une fois Après avoir connu ceci.
Jai conscience davoir écrit un roman. Il y en a tant a dire.. Si je pouvais retranscrire toutes ses paroles
Mais alors pourquoi écrire dans ce forum???
Je suis maintenant de retour au Canada.
Je désespère. Il n'y a personne à qui je puis en parler. Le risque est trop grand. Nous pourrions séparer deux familles. Je pourrais gâcher sa bonne réputation, bien qu'il m'ait dit que c'est le dernier de ses soucis. Sa famille compte beaucoup trop pour lui.
Mais voilà que je souffre tous le jours de son absence. Je ne regrette rien, même pas les rapports intimes que nous avons eux (nous n'avons jamais complètement fait l'amour, car il ne voulait pas être ma première expérience et c'était la limite à ne pas traverser). Je ne pense qu'à lui. Je sais qu'il se trouvera quelqu'un très vite. Même s'il dit n'être tombé en amour que deux fois avant moi dans sa vie, et que j'ai été son amour le plus fort... Je pense que de s'avoir qu'il est avec quelqu'un d'autre me détruirais. Je commence l'université, un moment crucial dans ma vie... et je ne peux le sortir de ma tête. Je suis en amour... Un amour qui me fait mal. Je lui est dit qu'il valait mieux qu'on cesse de s'écrire. Si je ne peux oublier, au moins cela m'aiderait à moins y penser. Mais c'est faux!
Il a dit que rien ne changerait l'amour qu'il a pour moi.
Voici son dernier message avant que je mette fin a nos emails:
I hope you are having a great time at Sherbrooke! I am so excited for you to experience University.
I wanted to talk to you about something. One thing I have not told you about is how conflicted I am. Our situation is extremely difficult. I am in love with you but I know I can never be with you. I want to spend my life with you but I know that will never happen. I have feelings that I cannot act on. I know what love feels like and this is it, but even though I have the strongest feelings I have ever had, they are not possible to act on. It is so hard to be in this position.
In addition to this I made the decision this summer to talk to you about my feelings. I mainly did this because I did not want you to feel like I was acting unusual around you. I was so stressed out around you and at the same time so excited to be with you every minute that I was very conflicted. I didn't want you to feel like I was not treating you right. And you did feel that way. What I found was that you also had feelings. And that those feelings were the reasons for all of our problems in the summer. For our ... arguments. For our stress. For our anxiety. What a crazy situation. Well I decided to tell you how I felt and that made things even more complicated. You also had feelings. Now we were in a real mess.
We chose to deal with this by spending all our time together. We wanted to be together all the time. I was so happy. But we were conflicted, again, not knowing what to do about this. We knew that this would not last so we tried to push away. You tried and I didnt let it happen. I was not being mature. I just wanted to spend as much time with you before I lost you forever. I knew you would leave and meet the man of your dreams and I would never have the chance to show you how much I loved you. But I knew that this is what needed to happen. I was so conflicted.
Now we are apart and I want to talk to you every minute of every day. When you left I fell apart. I was sad for days, weeks, I am still sad. I didn't know this would be so hard. I thought that because we are related and we have no choice that it would be easier. But it is not. It gets harder.
And finally, the problem that haunts me every day. I do not tell you this because I dont want you to push me away, but I have been having nightmares and stress about the family situation. I know that if the family finds out how I feel for you that I will lose the family in canada forever. I am supposed to be the mature one in this situation. I was supposed to take care of you, that was my plan, but instead I fell in love with you. I couldn't help it. I never knew that this would happen. We spent so much time together and I didn't know that you would be everything that I ever dreamed of in a girl. But you are. And now I have betrayed the family. My cousin Marie-France and my good friend Luc. My aunt. And you. I have nightmares about this. I struggle with this every day. I don't tell you about it because I don't want you to force us to stop talking. I am so conflicted.
So I am telling you this because I have had another sleepless night about this. I woke up from nightmares all night. I am afraid of losing my family, but I am afraid of losing you. This is impossible.
There is no solution. But I think that the idea we had before is a good one. Maybe we should only talk via email one or two emails a day. And that's it. Can we do that? I think it was working well. What do you think. Be honest with me but please do not cut me off. I love to hear about your experiences at Sherbrooke. I love to hear about your life. I need some connection. But we need some limitations also I think.
I am so sorry I did this to you. I put you in this position. But please know that I love you so much and I will do anything to make sure you have a great life and that this does not interrupt that.
Il est mon premier amour. Et c'est amour est impossible. Tous nous sépare...
25 ans de différence
Des milliers de kilomètres
Le statut social
Il est même un bon ami à mon père... Lors de mon départ, mes parents sont venus me chercher à new york. En mettant mes valises dans lautos, il sest mis a pleurer, face a mes parents et est parti vite sans arriver a dire aurevoir. Déjà cela en a révélé trop. Mais parents se posent peut etre des question. Mon père travaille fréquemment à New york.. Et demande toujours a voir Chris. Mais cest très dure pour lui de le confronter.
J'ai vécu un rêve l'instant d'un été... et c'est maintenant un dur retour à la réalité. Je souffre de plus en plus...
Voila un mois que je suis de retour. Rien napaise ma douleur.